


a winter only love

by banditchika



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, except they're both pining for other people and while they both care about each other it's still sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 01:24:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15108869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banditchika/pseuds/banditchika
Summary: Himari has an issue. Fixing it involves kissing Tsugumi, somehow.





	a winter only love

**Author's Note:**

> himari reads like a lesbian who's deep, deep, deep in the clutches of the closet and compulsive heterosexuality, and afterglow is prime bait for sad teen drama and convoluted dating shenanigans, which means that this had to happen eventually!

"You... what?" Tsugu's eyes were wide and round. Her soft pink mouth fell open, the way it always did when she was surprised or confused.

Himari stared, then realized she was staring and looked anywhere else. The stuffed squirrel that Ran had won Tsugu a few years back had never seemed so interesting. It was weird to pay that much attention to a friend's lips, right? Probably. At least, Himari thought so.

She hoped Tsugu hadn't noticed. She didn't want to make Tsugu uncomfortable—any more uncomfortable than she already was, anyways.

"I mean—I was just thinking," Himari stammered. "Only if you wanted to. You don't have to agree!" She tried for a reassuring smile, but Tsugu gawked like Himari's eyebrows had suddenly transformed into caterpillars. Huge failure!

But okay. That was fine. Himari could salvage this. She picked at the charm bracelet around her wrist, the delicate metal hearts and music notes warm from her skin. "It's just that we haven't had our first kisses yet, right!? I don't wanna be, y'know, _bad_ at it when the real thing actually happens, so... um."

"So you want to kiss _me_ _?"_   Tsugu tugged at her collar. Her forehead was pinched, the choppy fringe of her bangs sitting at angles above her brows. Himari wanted to smooth that furrow away.

She also wanted to fix Tsugu's bangs, which were never ever properly styled and which were the result of letting Afterglow near her hair with scissors, but one thing at a time. She was already asking a lot from Tsugu, and even if every bone in her body screamed at her to play it off, play it off, keep it cool, say it was a joke—she had to get Tsugu to say yes, because Himari wanted this so badly.  

"I mean... it makes sense for it to be you!" Himari shrugged as carelessly as she could, channeling some of Tomoe’s easy confidence and coolness. Yeah. Himari was so cool, she asked to kiss one of her very best friends in the world like, every day. "You're also single, right?"

"I am, but technically, none of us are dating ..." Tsugu mumbled, dragging her gaze from Himari's face. "You could ask Moca-chan. She'd probably say yes right away."

"Yeah, but you know how Moca is with me! She'd never let me live it down," groaned Himari, flopping over their workbooks. She stretched her arms across the low table, reaching with grasping fingers for Tsugu, whose frown cracked into a faint smile. She rested her hand over Himari's, warm and delicate and soft. "Ran too—she'd think I was weird if I asked her, and you know how she and Moca are!

Yeah, those two? No way, no way! Ran wouldn't even need to say anything for Moca to find out. When it came to Ran, Moca always seemed to know. If Himari went to Ran, there was absolutely no doubt that Moca would be leaning against her desk the very next day, eyebrows waggling and leering hard enough for Himari to cross her arms over her chest.

"Yeah..." Tsugu's voice was very soft. Himari turned her cheek to follow Tsugu as she rose from the table, knees popping, and curled up on the bed. She clutched Ran's stuffed squirrel to her chest and peered at Himari from between its ears. It was cute—the super special, Afterglow-only Tsugu-brand cute. "That's right, huh? They're always on the same wavelength."

There was something about Tsugu's voice and the way she watched Himari that had her heart stammering. Like someone had smashed a ball right into Himari's stomach, driving her breath from her lungs and Himari to her knees. Thank goodness she's sitting. "Yep, you get what I mean, right!? And I can't—I just can't ask Tomoe, y'know?"

Tsugu hummed thoughtfully, and Himari’s stomach churned. This wasn’t a “tennis ball in her gut”-ache; this was a “ran too many laps in the heat and am about to pass out” kind of ache, and Himari hated it something terrible. It made her feel off-balance, askew, and for once Tsugu wasn’t holding a hand out to catch her.

“Mmn,” Tsugu said at last. She slid off her bed, setting the squirrel on her pillow the way she usually served tea; like she was afraid she’d slip, and everything would break. “I think I know.”

“Yeah,” Himari sighed, and it sounded a little too much like an admission for her tastes. Tsugu watched her from the bedside, her hands tucked into the pockets of her cardigan. She was probably thinking very... Tsugurifically. That was her concentration face—eyes closed and lips turned down into something like a frown, but Tsugu was too sweet to wear anger very well. Mostly she just looked worried and stressed.

And this? All Himari’s fault. She regretted ever opening her mouth.

“Y-you know what, Tsugu? Just forget about it, it’s alright!” Himari slumped down in her seat and tugged sharply at the ends of her pigtails. “I didn’t mean to make things so-! I’m such a bad friend for asking this of you, I’m sorry—”

“Huh? Wait, Himari-chan! I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it.” There was a heavy thud, and Tsugu clasped Himari’s hands between her own, staring up from on her knees. “I was just… thinking it over, that’s all.”

“Aaah, hold on!” Himari shoved her chair back. She knelt, eye to eye with Tsugu, and—didn’t she see this in a drama once? Was she the swooning heroine here or one of several brooding love interests?

Tsugu cupped her face. Oh. Yeah, no, Himari was the heroine in this situation. Definitely. Either that, or Tsugu was the kind of protagonist to dip kiss her brooding lover in the rain, and—yeah, she had to admit, that checked out too.

Tsugu was pretty Tsugurific all the time, everywhere; it shouldn’t surprise her that Tsugu wasn’t the type to go easy here either.

But while part of her wanted to close her eyes and let Tsugu do—whatever she wanted to do, Himari had morals! Concerns! Moral concerns, and she had to get them out of the way before any kind of kissing happened. “Wait, Tsugu! Ts-u-u-gu! Hold up!”

“Eh?” Tsugu dropped her like a used pad. “W-what’s wrong? Are you having second thoughts?”

“No, I still wanna do it!” Himari’s voice cracked embarrassingly. Wow. Okay, she wasn’t looking too cool right now. “I mean… I just want to be sure that I didn’t make you feel like you had to or something. I don’t mean to be pushy or force you, or…” Himari snapped her fingers, trying for the right words. They evaded her. She settled for waving her hands around, shooing imaginary flies away. “Like… _you know_ ? _"_

Tsugu nodded slowly. Himari’s chest swelled, and her eyes prickled with a familiar burn—that was the best part about childhood friends! They always understood you, even if it wasn’t always perfect. There was no one who knew you better and no one else that could fill in the gaps so well or easily. Himari really was so lucky to have Afterglow, and in this moment, to have Tsugu.

“You’re not pushing me, Himari-chan. I wasn’t sure at first because it’s kind of… um.” Tsugu closed her eyes, deep in thought. “Mmn… weird? It’s kind of weird for _you_ to ask, I mean.”

Kind of weird for _her_ _?_   Specifically her? “Hey! That’s not a compliment, isn’t it?”

“But it’s not much weirder than usual!” Tsugu chirped, pumping her fists. Himari mimed being shot in the heart and doubled over. Her brow brushed the mesh of Tsugu’s tights, and oh—it was so easy to fall into the rhythm of Afterglow’s usual banter that Himari could almost forget what they were doing. What they were about to do.

Tsugu pushed her back up. Her face was painfully earnest when Himari looked to her, round brown eyes and rosy cheeks and faint, dimpled smile. “So… I’m okay with it. Really, Himari-chan, you don’t have to worry about me. We can do it together, if that’s what you want.”

“R-really?” Himari clasped Tsugu’s narrow shoulders. “Really, really!?”

“Yes, really, really,” laughed Tsugu, and before Himari could crow or cheer or laugh or—or even prepare her _heart_ —Tsugu put both hands on either side of her face and leaned in.

The kiss was… nothing at all like what Himari expected. Tsugu’s lips were a bit dry, and Himari’s felt as though they had too much gloss. It kinda felt like if Tsugu kissed even a little harder, her lips would just go sliding down Himari’s chin and into her lap, which was definitely not the best friend zone at all!

She didn’t really have the experience to tell whether or not it was a good kiss. Their lips slid against each other, pressing a little too hard, then too lightly, and Himari wasn’t sure whether she should breathe. Breathing was kind of important, right? Was Tsugu breathing?

(She was pretty sure Tsugu was breathing. She was tracing circles at the hinge of Himari’s jaw with her thumbs, and that took oxygen. Himari hoped she wouldn’t stop.)

Were there fireworks? Nah. Stars and hearts? Definitely not.

But Tsugu’s hands were warm. They pulled her in, and Tsugu kissed carefully, gently, as though Himari could take off at any moment. Which was weird because—because Himari wanted this. She wouldn’t run off for no reason, not when she was the one who asked.

Maybe because it was Tsugu. Maybe because it was technically her first kiss, even if she wasn’t sure it counted because—well, you know. But Himari liked this. It was nice, and Tsugu was _nice_. She asked the right person, after all.

Himari’s cheeks were flushed when Tsugu pulled away. Tsugu’s lips were shiny with Himari’s watermelon gloss, and she swore she would catch on _fire_ when Tsugu licked her lips, looking thoughtful.

“That was… um. Thanks so much?” Himari offered, because Tsugu. What the fuck.

“Y-you’re welcome.” Tsugu covered her mouth with her hand. Her dark, dark eyes were wide, like she couldn’t believe what she had done. Himari couldn’t believe it either, and she was the one Tsugu did it to. “Was that…?”

“Oh! Oh boy, uh—that was good!” In the streets, a dog broke into a chorus of barks. Maybe Himari had finally done it: at last, her voice had reached a pitch that only animals could hear. “It was really good, Tsugu!”

Tsugu smiled, reddened cheeks dimpling. She sat with her hands in her lap, prim and proper even while Himari felt as though she should be fixing her hair, her lipgloss, unbuttoning her shirt… something that wasn’t staring at Tsugu’s lips, trying to figure out her kissing sorcery. “Waah… I’m glad.”

Tsugu said it so quietly, with so much pleasure that Himari couldn’t help herself. “Uuu… Ts-u-u-gu!”

“Ah!”

They went crashing as Himari flung herself on top of Tsugu, burying her tears in the soft fabric of Tsugu’s favorite cardigan. “Ts-u-u-gu, thank you sooo much-!”

“Um, is this really something you should be thanking me so much for?” She sounded like she was fighting back a giggle, but smoothed her hand over Himari’s spine anyways. “This is kinda embarrassing, Himari-chan…”

“You’ve saved me! Goddess Tsugu!”

“Ahahaha… that’s _definitely_ too much.”

Tsugu helped Himari back to her chair and handed her tissues. Himari blew her nose and, squinting, tossed the crumpled wad of damp tissues into Tsugu’s deskside wastebasket. Point and score for Uehara!

Tomoe was the big one in Afterglow, sure, and Moca’s athleticism was _really terrifying, actually_ , but Himari was a star tennis player! She was practically a jock by Afterglow’s standards.

Wait. Oh, shit. Wait.

Afterglow.

How was she…

How was she going to tell them? Himari’s good mood evaporated. She swallowed, cold sweat chilling her temples, her neck.

She used to love the swings when she was little. She’d swing up, up, up, and when she went as high as her little grade school body could take her, she would slip off the seat and tumble onto the grass, where Tomoe would laugh and Ran would watch her with huge, admiring eyes.

She felt like that now. But instead of landing on grass or spongy playground foam, Himari felt as though she’d crashed into earth. Her ears buzzed. It was—wow, it was kind of hard to breathe.

Tsugu was bustling about her room, satisfied that Himari was satisfied. Himari watched her. If… if it was Tsugu, it would be okay, right? Tsugu wouldn’t get mad at her. Tsugu would understand. Yeah, Tsugu had always been the most gentle of them; she hated it when they fought and always tried so, so hard to please.

She was too sweet to wear anger well. Yeah. Yeah, Tsugu wouldn’t mind.

“Hey, Tsugu?” Himari’s voice was distant even to her own ears. Tsugu turned, and Himari couldn’t even look at her face. She stared instead at the squirrel on Tsugu’s bed. Its blank marble eyes almost seemed accusing. “Can you… um. Is it okay if I ask you for one more favor?”

“Sure, Himari-chan. I’ll try my best. What is it?”

“Can you… can we keep this a secret between us? Like, not tell Tomoe or Ran or Moca.” Moca had a way of finding this stuff out on her own, but Himari wouldn’t make it easy. She only hoped that Tsugu wouldn’t either. “I don’t really want them to know.”

Tsugu was silent.

Himari licked her lips, and they didn’t taste familiar. Maybe it was because most of the gloss was kissed off. Maybe it was the guilt. “N-not because it wasn’t good or anything! I’m grateful, really. I am. I’m just… just…”

“It’s okay, Himari-chan.” Tsugu’s voice was strained. Himari chanced a glance at her. She was staring at her neatly-marked calendar and very carefully not blinking, lips pressed together in a trembling line. She tried to smile anyways, and Himari’s heart plummeted. She was awful. Terrible. The absolute worst. “I, um. I understand.”  

“Tsugu!”

“No, really I do!” Tsugu cleared her throat. “I-I think I should go check on the cafe? It’s about—um.” Her voice broke. “About rush hour now, so Mum and Dad might need some extra hands...”

She rounded the table and Himari didn’t dare to stop her when she passed.

Tsugu tugged the bedroom door open, narrow shoulders hunched up to her ears. “Mum’s trying out a new cake recipe, so I’ll bring up a slice in a bit! Just stay put, okay?”

“Alright…”

The door clicked shut, and Himari was alone. She pressed her forehead against the table. Tears burned down her cheeks, and Himari couldn’t suppress a shaky sigh.

_Stupid._

**Author's Note:**

> this is set sometime before all the bands have met each other but at least a year after afterglow has been formed, and sprung from the headcanon that 1) himari is gay, in love w/ tomoe, and desperately in denial of both and 2) tsugu's had the biggest on and off crush on ran since forever and is kind of really sad that everyone in afterglow's got Something going on but her
> 
> it's so sad... alexa play true color


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